Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
