I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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