he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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