Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
