Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
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I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
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My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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