When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
