Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
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