dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Best friends brother. Beat that.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
