Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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