Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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