I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
