you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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