Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
