Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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