I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Randomize
