theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just want nice things and good sex
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
