Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
