i was rollin on her like bob the builder
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
