I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
