I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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