I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
