I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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