if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
