If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
