i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
