Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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