I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
