Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
