it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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