Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
