Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
