Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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