so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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