Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
