your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
