Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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