Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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