You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
