Christians are straight up FREAKS
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
