Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
