you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
someone owes me an orgasm
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
