i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
