I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
