at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
her facebook's as public as her vagina
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
