Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
