Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
