I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
