WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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