Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
