there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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