I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
