ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
