I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
