I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
