dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
