I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Randomize
