Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
soo... how was my night?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
