my phone needs a breathalizer
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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