You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I would ride that face into the sunset
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
