Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
